To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

HM Queen Elizabeth II, Queen of the United Kin...

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In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’). (I love that one)

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’ ‘ (I love that one too)

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)

8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Finally the true story

Monica Lewinsky, from her government ID photo ...

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Finally, the true story as told by Hillary to world leaders…
Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when,
at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill,
and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.
The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff
but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger
in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff,
but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.
The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny.
By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse until finally the President
had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon,
scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse.
By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps
and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom.
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
As he unzipped his trousers and ran in,
he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office
with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out,
she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,
“Sack my cook.”
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

A musician and a college boy.

Ignacy Jan Paderewski

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This is a true story that had happened in 1892 at Stanford University. Its moral will always be relevant. A young, 18-year-old student was struggling to pay his fees. He was an orphan, and not knowing where to turn for money, he came up with a bright idea. A friend and he decided to host a musical concert on campus to raise money for their education. They reached out to the great pianist Ignacy J. Paderewski. His manager demanded a guaranteed fee of $2000 for the piano recital. A deal was struck. And the boys began to work to make the concert a success.

The big day arrived. Paderewski performed at Stanford. But unfortunately, they had not managed to sell enough tickets. The total collection was only $1600. Disappointed, they went to Paderewski and explained their plight. They gave him the entire $1600, plus a cheque for the balance $400. They promised to honour the cheque soonest possible. “No.” said Paderewski. “This is not acceptable.” He tore up the cheque, returned the $1600 and told the two boys “Here’s the $1600. Please deduct whatever expenses you have incurred. Keep the money you need for your fees. And just give me whatever is left” The boys were surprised, and thanked him profusely.

It was a small act of kindness. But it clearly marked out Paderewski as a great human being. Why should he help two people he did not even know? We all come across situations like these in our lives. And most of us only think “If I help them, what would happen to me?” The truly great people think, “If I don’t help them, what will happen to them?” They don’t do it expecting something in return. They do it because they feel it’s the right thing to do.

Paderewski later went on to become the Prime Minister of Poland. He was a great leader, but unfortunately when the World War began, Poland was ravaged. There were over 1.5 million people starving in his country, and no money to feed them. Paderewski did not know where to turn for help. He reached out to the US Food and Relief Administration for help. The head there was a man called Herbert Hoover – who later went on to become the US President. Hoover agreed to help and quickly shipped tons of food grains to feed the starving Polish people. A calamity was averted.

Paderewski was relieved. He decided to go across to meet Hoover and personally thank him. When Paderewski began to thank Hoover for his noble gesture, Hoover quickly interjected and said, “You shouldn’t be thanking me Mr. Prime Minister. You may not remember this, but several years ago, you helped two young students go through college in the US. I was one of them.”The world is a wonderful place. What goes around comes around!

Then I poached it off the internet, cause it had to be shared.

Dollar

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” – as always, a little ahead of the times here in Eendya. But still……can’t help wishing.”

Elaine Farstad got antsy as she waited for her doctor, who was late for her scheduled appointment. Then she got downright impatient. Then, as nearly two hours passed, she got mad. Then she came up with an idea.

“I decided to bill the doctor,” she says. “If you waste my time, you’ve bought my time.”

When Farstad returned home, she figured out her hourly wage working as an IT specialist at Boeing in Everett, Washington. She doubled it for the two hours she’d spent in the waiting room, and mailed the invoice to her doctor.

“It’s ludicrous — why would I wait for free?” says Farstad, who is now an engineering graduate student at North Carolina State University. “Like we all learned in kindergarten, it’s about respecting each other.”

In years gone by, doctors would likely have scoffed at the suggestion they reimburse patients for time spent waiting. But Farstad’s doctor sent her a check for $100, the full amount she requested, and some tardy doctors tell CNN they give patients money (or a gift) before the patient even asks. {Via}

{More}

Schtroumpf

Peyo

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“Pass the salt.”

That’s a rather simple sentence.  Three words, three syllables, fourteen characters (including spaces and the period).   Even in other languages it is similarly simple.  In the case below, French, the sentence loosely translates to “passe-moi le sel.”  The sentence is probably spoken thousands of times a day at tables across the world.  But one time, in 1958, a Belgian by the name of Pierré Culliford, while dining with his friend Andre Franquin, failed at this simple task.  The world is better off for it.

Culliford, for some reason, could not remember how to say “sel” (“salt”).  He was not having a stroke nor was he suffering from some sort other sort of significant neurological disorder, temporary or otherwise.  Colloquially speaking, Culliford had a brainfart, and uttered a seemingly nonsense sentence: “passe-moi [pause, as he searched in vain for the right word] le schtroumpf.”  His dinner mate, Franquin, took the opportunity to mock Culliford, and replied — as translated into English — “Here’s the Schtroumpf — when you are done schtroumpfing, schtroumpf it back.”  The two, on vacation together, shared a laugh and found a new game; for the rest of the weekend, they continued substituting “schtroumpf” and derivations thereof for various words.

In most cases, this would be the end of the story.  But Culliford’s profession allowed him to use ” schtroumpf” in a new, fabulous way.  Culliford was a cartoonist better known by his pen name, Peyo.  He was the author and illustrator of a comic, the story of Johan, a medieval page to the king, and his faithful sidekick, Peewit.  Johan and Peewit (its subsequent English title) was regularly published in a French children’s comic magazine.  In October of 1958, Peyo introduced new characters to Johan’s world — tiny blue things called ” schtroumpf” which, like Peyo and Franquin had earlier that year — substituted the word ” schtroumpf” at seemingly every opportunity.

It took a few decades, but by 1981, Le Schtroumpfs reached the United States, but under their Dutch name: the Smurfs.

Bonus fact: How the Smurfs made it to American television is its own tale.  A young girl named named Melissa Silverman, on vacation in Colorado, asked her father Fred for a Smurf doll (not knowing what it was), and quickly took a liking to it.  At the time, Fred Silverman was president of NBC — and soon thereafter, NBC purchased the air rights to the Smurfs television show.

{Via Dan Lewis}

Nature Always Wins

Amid Floods, Dwellers Turn Homes Into Islands

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Flooding in Mississippi {Via Popular Science}

“Pakistan is the only country in the world that negotiates with a gun to its own head” ~ Irfan Hussain,leading Pakistani newspaper columnist.

“Pakistan was the only country in the world that negotiates with a gun to its own head. Our argument goes something like this: If you don’t give us what we need, the government will collapse and this might result in anarchy, and a takeover by Islamic militants. Left unstated here is the global risk these elements would pose as they would have access to Pakistan’s nuclear arsenal.” ~ Irfan Hussain ( complete quote)

When twin suicide bombings rocked a town in the Pakistani northwest on May 13, there weren’t enough coffins at the hospital to accommodate those killed by the blasts. More had to be brought in by truck. The attacks left over 80 dead and injured at least 100 more. {Via}

Also see.

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