Oh! Yeah. That’s Kinda Fondue Man, Thanks.

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

This is pretty neat.

It takes less than a minute . Work this out as you read .

1. First, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)


2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)


3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 — I’ll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1760 …If you haven’t, add 1759.

6… Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE!

He’s absolutely right.

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
“Why do Scuba divers always fall
Backwards off their boats?”

To which the Irishman replies:
“If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the f—in’ boat.”

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All Hail: The Queen

Little kids dress up and imitate Queen. Watch out for the surprise at the end!

Freddie Mercury.He’s definitely my favorite Zoroastrian from Zanzibar.

It’s a Hard Life

Edward Lear? Yeah, he was a very funny man!

The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
Wrapped up in a five pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,
‘O lovely Pussy! O Pussy my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
You are,
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!’ {Read on}

“Be excellent to each other!” ~ Abraham Lincoln, in Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure

Bill Gates in Person
Image by Dunechaser via Flickr

At a recent computer exposition (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

“If General Motors had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, GM issued a press release stating: “If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive — but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “General Protection Fault” warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask “are you sure?”… before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.”

You must not have been here much. You shoulda seen this joke I made the other day.. It was THIS big, unfortunately it got away.

In Full Flight
Image by StuffEyeSee via Flickr

A man and his friend are playing golf one day at the local golf course. One of the men is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the golf course. He stops in midswing takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head down in prayer. His friend says, “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man shrugs then replies, “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”

****

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me,can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am.” The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.” “You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist. “I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.” The woman below responded “You must be in Management.” “I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

****

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. To show just “how” the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game: “The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2003 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost only one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game.”

****

The young bride approached her waiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband sitting in his easy chair, very drunk. Over the next few minutes, he told her of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate downsizing and its effects on a 50+ executive. Nonplused, she loaded him into her car and drove down to the local hospital. Pointing to the fine structure, she informed him that he owned the land it was built on and that they paid him $6,000 per month rent. She handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years totaling over $1 million dollars. She pointed across the parking lot toward the local bank, handed him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars, and informed him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the seeming disappointment at such good news and he replied, “Hell, If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!”

****

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable. One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once… What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. So, she said, I’ll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door… I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said we are very happy and pleased; you have passed our little test. We couldn’t have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family! Moral of the story… Always keep your condoms in your car.

****

Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.” “I know the feeling,” the other says. “No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re killing me.”

****

A couple is attending an art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them taken aback. The picture depicts three black, naked men sitting on a park bench-two have a black penises, the one in the middle has a pink penis. As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, “Can I help you with this painting? I’m the artist who painted it.” The man says, “Well, we like the painting but don’t understand why you have three black men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have black penises.” The Irish artist says, “Oh, you are misinterpreting the painting. They’re not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch.”

****

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for a couple of days?” “That would suit me just fine!” the man said. Monday went by, and the man didn’t see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday went by with the same result. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

Rare Collectors Dream. ‘Wattersonity’.


Rare Collectors Item/Gift Available,Buy.

Note: Watterson’s name misssing from the cover.

I too own this rare collectors dream. It took me 6 years to get it. I carefully opened the pages and found it to be truly worthy of Mr. Watterson’s seal of approval. Each lesson is witty and hilariously written while concisely effective. Much of the art is not available in any of the strips published in any of his other works and provides a unique set of cartoons specifically tailored to the subject or lesson. If you find this book under $5K, it’s a collectors bargain considering the books immense positive investment growth rate.~ Teresa Suslik on Amazon

“Limited to 50 copies” makes this the absolute rarest piece of Wattersonity in all the universe. Take my advice: Give up on finding it. {Via}

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