No, dude, just wait till we get to 2012. That’s where all the good shit is gonna be happening.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven’t got tickets.
The Scotsman looks around, picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
“McTavish, Scotland ” he says, “Discus” and in he walks.

The Englishman looks around, picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
“Waddington-Smythe, England ” he says, “Pole vault” and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
“O’Malley, Ireland ,” he says, “Fencing”.

Always be nice, you never know who’s watching.

Click this link and then wait

If nothing happens drag the beer to the right whilst holding the left mouse button down.

Bird, hit by a horse in their general direction.

Clearly, one of them is a dumbass.

Hacking my way out of a bunker

Image via Wikipedia

#10
Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddie: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”

#9
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddie: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

#8
Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddie: “Yes, you miss the ball much closer now.”

#7
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddie: “Eventually.”

#6
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddie: “I don’t think so, that would be too much of a coincidence.”

#5
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too
much of a distraction.”
Caddie: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”

#4
Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddie: “Very good, but personally, I prefer golf.”

#3
Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddie: “The way you play, it’s a sin on any day.”

#2
Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddie: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”

#1 Best Caddie Comment:
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”

Ah! The Irish.

irish bar with singalongs

The women are sitting next to each other at a bar. One looks at the other and says,”I can’t help but think from listening to you that you’re from Ireland ..”

The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, I sure am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?”

The other woman answers, ‘I’m from St. John’s.’

The first one responds, ‘So, am I!! And what street did you live on?’

The other woman says, ‘A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.’ The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world! So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?’

The other woman answers, ‘Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.’

The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?’

The other woman answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

The first woman exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self.”

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’ Michael asks, ‘ Why do you say that, Brian?’

Brian answers, ‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

Next, I’d like them to make a vending machine that sells vending machines.

Sometimes I feel as though the world I live in is just some big joke, like The Truman Show or something.

It's a ghost!

Image via Wikipedia

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, ‘How many people here believe in ghosts?’
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?’
About 40 students raise their hands.
That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?’
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?’
Three students raise their hands.
That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?’
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says ‘Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.’
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, ‘So, Ahmed, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?’
Ahmed replied, “Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats.”

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