Like an epileptic chicken walked around on the paper with a pen up its ass.

Typeface for Doctors – Founts

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Sir! I am appalled at the vulgarity of your language!

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Via

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn’t know how to conduct itself.limes

A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

It’s raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn’t reindeer.

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

My new theory on inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.

If you don’t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed …??

John Deere’s manure spreader is the only equipment the company won’t stand behind.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. “Are you the friar?”, he asks. “No. I’m the chip monk”, he replies.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

The American View

Are you confused by what is going on in the Middle East?

Let an American explain the situation ….

The Western powers including Australia, New Zealand and Canada, support the Iraqi government in its fight against ISIS.

We don’t like ISIS, but ISIS is supported by Saudi Arabia who we do like.

We don’t like Assad in Syria. We support the fight against him, but ISIS is also fighting against him.

We don’t like Iran, but Iran supports the Iraqi government in its fight against ISIS.

So some of our friends support our enemies, some of our enemies are now our friends and some of our enemies are fighting against our other enemies, who we want to lose; but we don’t want our enemies who are fighting our other enemies to win.

If the people we want to defeat are defeated, they could be replaced by people we like even less, and all this was started by us invading a country to drive out terrorists who were not actually there until we went in to drive them out. All we wanted to do, as a bottom line, was to help establish a peaceful democracy.

It’s quite simple, really – you may read again so it is absolutely clear!

TIL

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In 1913 it was legal to mail children. With stamps attached to their clothing, children rode trains to their destinations, accompanied by letter carriers. One newspaper reported it cost fifty-three cents for parents to mail their daughter to her grandparents for a family visit. As news stories and photos popped up around the country, it didn’t take long to get a law on the books making it illegal to send children through the mail. With thanks to Thomas Doty. {Snopes}

Govt issues guidelines to driving in India.

GENERAL GUIDELINES:

1. Lanes and zebra crossings are painted on the road to create employment opportunities for painters and to let the purchase family_bikeofficer make some money. Any other purpose that you may have heard of is just a rumor.

2. Traffic lights are changed frequently only to add some color to your life. Don’t stop your vehicle to stare at a red light, keep on driving, you will see another one soon enough.

3. In case of an accident, the vehicle with bigger size is at fault. So even if you are going down the wrong way on your bike, if you hit a car then the car’s driver is at fault.

4. If you see an ambassador car with lal batti in your rear-view mirror then you must give way immediately. You may be delaying a scam of national importance. However, don’t extend the same courtesy to an ambulance; if an ambulance is getting delayed due to traffic then so too is Yamraj. Nobody is going to die.

5. Little kids make the best airbags. Keep them positioned in front of you to absorb the impact during an accident.

6. Every driver must carry 100 Rs notes in their wallet. Traffic police will not be responsible if you don’t get the change after paying 500 Rs or 1000 Rs currency note to a traffic cop.

7. Drunk driving is prohibited only for college students. Mainly because they spend all their money on booze and have nothing to give to the traffic cop who pulls them over.

8. Vehicles behind you come to an immediate halt when you decide to change lanes or make a sudden turn. Don’t bother turning on the indicators, sudden use of the indicators may confuse people.

9. You must keep pressing the horn at all times. While indicators are optional, honking is mandatory at all times.

10. Roads double up as parking zones at all times. You can park your vehicle on the side of the road, middle of the road or even on the median dividing the road. A No Parking sign is a reservation sign for your vehicle; please park there the moment you spot one.

A cat about to save the house from being burned down!

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