The only thing that stopped him from getting better was stepping on his own dick on Twitter

flip flops

The President Flip Flops – {BUY} {Via}

Close, but you’re way off. We give you an E for effort.

almost-18

A Ha

The alien vessel landed quietly on St. Peter’s Square in Rome. A hatch opened and two little green men with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope.

After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, “I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?”

“Jesus Christ?!” exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. “Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Awesome fellow!”

A hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple.

“Every two years?” he sputtered. “We’re still waiting for His Second Coming!”

“Maybe He didn’t like your chocolate?” suggested the alien.

“Chocolate?” replied the Pope. “What in heaven’s name does chocolate have to do with it?”

“Well,” said the alien. “When He came to our planet, we gave Him chocolate. Why, what did you do?”

After reading this, I found myself sitting at my desk, clapping my hands and smiling from ear to ear.

The head coach of the Cleveland Browns is looking for a new quarterback when he sees news footage of a man in Afghanistan.

This man is fighting the Taliban and in the space of a few seconds, the coach sees him burst through a wooden barricade, knock down ten armed soldiers, run 100 yards in ten seconds, pick up a grenade laying on the ground, and throw it through an open window of an armored vehicle driving 75 yards away at 60 miles an hour, blowing it up and saving his village.

The coach gets on a flight and signs the guy to be the new Browns quarterback. After re-writing the NFL record book, he leads the Browns to victory in the Super Bowl!

The jubilant quarterback calls his mother and says “Mother, we won the Super Bowl! Did you see?”

His mother spits at him, “Don’t you talk to me. You are dead to me!”

Confused, the QB asks, “But why?”

His mother replies, “You left us here! Your father caught a disease and was in the hospital on life support, and the corrupt government let the power to the hospital be turned off and he died. Your sister was kidnapped by a gang off the streets and we fear she is dead, or worse. There was no fresh water to the house so your brother went down to the lake to get water, and he was horribly burned because the lake caught on fire!”

She hisses, “I will never FORGIVE you for making us move to Cleveland.”

*~*~*~*

Two Polish hunters from Cleveland hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged four.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only two moose.

The two Poles objected strongly, stating, “Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded.

Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stanisilaw asked Wladek, “Any idea where we are?”
Wladek replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

 

I think this guy is funny. Funnier than many of us. Sad though that this world has turned so much dumber.

Old Russian Proverb

Baked foodIn the heyday of the Russian Empire, the representatives of monarchy were quite diligent in ferreting out any possible source of revenue.

Naturally, the long-suffering peasantry used every mechanism to avoid the tax collectors, but sometimes circumstances conspired to defeat even the cleverest and most ambitious farmer.
The problem is well illustrated by the fate of one Ivan Sergeivitch, who invested a substantial sum of money in improving the fertility of his fields. As a result, his yields of barley, wheat, and other grains grew apace.
Soon he decided to turn his yield directly into consumer products, and he began selling a variety of baked goods, such as bread, rolls, and pastries. As his income increased, he invested in additional acreage, and in turn, in increased sales of his baked goods. In other words, he became the quintessential capitalist.
As sometimes happens, though, his productivity outstripped his ability to sell the finished product,and so he resorted to the inevitable: He put up signs along the roads advertising his bakery and its goods.
This unfortunate step brought him to the attention of the authorities,who imposed a list of punishing taxes on his once-thriving operation.
As a neighbor pointed out to the once-again-poor Ivan,it was just another reason for the existence of the old Russian proverb: “Don’t let the tsars get in your ryes.”

This comedian is going places. I lost my shi* when he did his thing with the whip. YOU WIN BABA!

Momgezi Ngcobodwane he’s a comedian, this is part of a show called Late Nite News which just rips off actual South African news.”

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