After reading this, I found myself sitting at my desk, clapping my hands and smiling from ear to ear.

The head coach of the Cleveland Browns is looking for a new quarterback when he sees news footage of a man in Afghanistan.

This man is fighting the Taliban and in the space of a few seconds, the coach sees him burst through a wooden barricade, knock down ten armed soldiers, run 100 yards in ten seconds, pick up a grenade laying on the ground, and throw it through an open window of an armored vehicle driving 75 yards away at 60 miles an hour, blowing it up and saving his village.

The coach gets on a flight and signs the guy to be the new Browns quarterback. After re-writing the NFL record book, he leads the Browns to victory in the Super Bowl!

The jubilant quarterback calls his mother and says “Mother, we won the Super Bowl! Did you see?”

His mother spits at him, “Don’t you talk to me. You are dead to me!”

Confused, the QB asks, “But why?”

His mother replies, “You left us here! Your father caught a disease and was in the hospital on life support, and the corrupt government let the power to the hospital be turned off and he died. Your sister was kidnapped by a gang off the streets and we fear she is dead, or worse. There was no fresh water to the house so your brother went down to the lake to get water, and he was horribly burned because the lake caught on fire!”

She hisses, “I will never FORGIVE you for making us move to Cleveland.”

*~*~*~*

Two Polish hunters from Cleveland hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged four.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only two moose.

The two Poles objected strongly, stating, “Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded.

Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stanisilaw asked Wladek, “Any idea where we are?”
Wladek replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

 

I think this guy is funny. Funnier than many of us. Sad though that this world has turned so much dumber.

Old Russian Proverb

Baked foodIn the heyday of the Russian Empire, the representatives of monarchy were quite diligent in ferreting out any possible source of revenue.

Naturally, the long-suffering peasantry used every mechanism to avoid the tax collectors, but sometimes circumstances conspired to defeat even the cleverest and most ambitious farmer.
The problem is well illustrated by the fate of one Ivan Sergeivitch, who invested a substantial sum of money in improving the fertility of his fields. As a result, his yields of barley, wheat, and other grains grew apace.
Soon he decided to turn his yield directly into consumer products, and he began selling a variety of baked goods, such as bread, rolls, and pastries. As his income increased, he invested in additional acreage, and in turn, in increased sales of his baked goods. In other words, he became the quintessential capitalist.
As sometimes happens, though, his productivity outstripped his ability to sell the finished product,and so he resorted to the inevitable: He put up signs along the roads advertising his bakery and its goods.
This unfortunate step brought him to the attention of the authorities,who imposed a list of punishing taxes on his once-thriving operation.
As a neighbor pointed out to the once-again-poor Ivan,it was just another reason for the existence of the old Russian proverb: “Don’t let the tsars get in your ryes.”

This comedian is going places. I lost my shi* when he did his thing with the whip. YOU WIN BABA!

Momgezi Ngcobodwane he’s a comedian, this is part of a show called Late Nite News which just rips off actual South African news.”

Twitter

A spider crawled into my keyboard earlier. It’s okay, I’ve got him under Ctrl.

space

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? Cos the parrots-ate-em-all

Red parrotA guy’s mother is having her 60th birthday party, and he wants to find her a really special present. After weeks of searching to no avail, and

a mere hour before his mother’s birthday party is supposed to start, he finds himself in a pet shop. He tells the proprietor about his problem, and the owner says, “Why don’t you buy her a parrot?”

“A parrot?” the guy exclaims, “What would she do with a parrot?”

The owner goes on, “This is no ordinary parrot. He talks!”

“So? He’s a parrot – he’s supposed to talk!”

“Yeah, but this is no ordinary parrot. He talks like a human being – not a bird. He actually engages you in conversation! Here, let me show you!” And so the owner starts chatting with the bird, and sure enough, the parrot answers him – responds to him – even goes as far as asking questions of his own.”

The man is flabbergasted, but delighted. He’s finally found the perfect gift for his mother! He pays the exorbitant price of $5000 for the parrot and takes it to his mother’s birthday party. Unfortunately, there are so many people already there, that he only has time to present her with the gift without an explanation. The party goes late, and the man decides to stay over instead of driving all the way home.

The next morning, the guy awakes to the aroma of his mother cooking breakfast in the kitchen. He goes downstairs, and to his horror, realizes she is cooking the parrot!

“Mom!” “What are you doing?”

His mother replies, “I’m cooking the chicken you bought me for my present!”

“That wasn’t a chicken, Mom! That was a five thousand dollar parrot!”

“My goodness,” says the mother, “That seems like an awful lot of money to spend on a parrot…”

The guy is practically in tears as he says, “You don’t understand, Mom! That was a very special parrot! He talked – but not like a parrot, like a real human being – not a bird. He’d actually engage you in conversation!”

The mother stops and thinks for a few seconds and then replies,

“Well, he shoulda said something.”

My ex has cousins (twins) named Ella and Samantha. They’re Sam’n’Ella.

Siamese twins walk into a bar and park themselves on a bar stool.

English: Pre-Columbian ceramic of male Siamese...

One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; we’re joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.”

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, lads?”

“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don’t we, Jim?”

Jim agrees.

“Ah, England !” says the bartender. “Wonderful country … the history, the beer, the culture …”

“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John. “Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English – they’re so arrogant and rude.”

“So why keep going to England ?” asks the bartender.

“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.”

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