A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
It’s raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn’t reindeer.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My new theory on inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.
If you don’t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed …??
John Deere’s manure spreader is the only equipment the company won’t stand behind.
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.
A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. “Are you the friar?”, he asks. “No. I’m the chip monk”, he replies.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.