Something has been said for sobriety but very little.


The 86 Rules of Boozing:

  1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.SH20_
  2. Always toast before doing a shot.
  3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
  4. Change your toast at least once a month.
  5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
  6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
  7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
  8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the urge to order a slightly dirty, very dry, in-and-out, super-chilled, half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots, and two part cocktails.
  9. Get the bartenders attention with eye contact and a smile.
  10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
  11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: “Great, now I’m going to get drunk.” “I hate shots.” “It’s coming back up.”
  12. Never ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
  13. If he makes it too weak, order a double the next time. He’ll get the message.
  14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
  15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
  16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
  17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
  18. Always keep a corkscrew in your house.
  19. If you don’t have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
  20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
  21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
  22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you’re doing the same thing – Urinating, waiting in line, or washing your hands.
  23. Girls hang out, apply makeup, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
  24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
  25. It is only permissible to shout “woo-hoo!” if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
  26. If there is a DJ, you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn’t play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
  27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You’ll be surprised how well it works.
  28. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to drink at a bar. Go to the liquor store.
  29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
  30. Never complain about quality or brand of a free drink.
  31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink his beer, even if it’s hidden, so long as you leave him one.
  32. You can sneak a shot of your roommate’s liquor only if the bottle is cracked and it is less than $25.
  33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
  34. If you bring cheap beer to a party, you must drink at least 2 cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
  35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
  36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
  37. Try a new drink each week.
  38. If you are the bar’s sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you’re off the hook. Same goes for him.
  39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
  40. If you have ever told a bartender “Hey, it all spends the same.” then you are a cheap ass.
  41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is 50% better looking.
  42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
  43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
  44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
  45. It’s okay to drink alone.
  46. After 3 drinks, you will forget a woman’s name 2 seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
  47. Nothing screams “nancy boy” louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
  48. Men don’t drink from straws. Unless you’re doing a mind eraser or face eraser.
  49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don’t plan to finish it, don’t accept it.
  50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
  51. Never play more than 3 songs by the same artist in a row.
  52. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don’t know.
  53. Your songs will come on as you’re leaving the bar.
  54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
  55. If you think you might be slurring a little, you’re slurring a lot. If you think you’re slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
  56. Screaming “someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
  57. For every drink, there is a 5% better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a 3% better chance you will lose the fight.
  58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
  59. If you are broke and your friend is “sporting you,” you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
  60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you,” you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
  61. Never rest your head on a tabletop or bar. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
  62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you are ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync, you will end up buying more drinks than him.
  63. If you are going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of his or her response.
  64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
  65. Before you die, single handedly make one decent martini.
  66. Asking the bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying “I’m an idiot.”
  67. Never ask a bartender, “What’s good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
  68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
  69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
  70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters, and if you’re really drunk, the mothers.
  71. It’s acceptable – Traditional, in fact – to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
  72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you’re hammered and they’re sober. 99.9% of the time you’re wrong, and either way you’re going to come off as a jackass.
  73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
  74. If you hesitate more than 3 seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
  75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, and tequila makes you felonious.
  76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
  77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be hassle, but….”
  78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
  79. If you’re 86’d, do not return for at least 3 months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
  80. Anyone with 3 or more drinks in his hand has the right of way.
  81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
  82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
  83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
  84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
  85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
  86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

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