My grandfather was a well respected lawyer.His best line: “I can explain it to you, but I can’t comprehend it for you.”


30 great one liners

‘I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.’ ~ Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

‘My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.’ ~ Peter Kay (2 July 1973-)

‘I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.’~ Tommy Cooper (1921-1984)

‘Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.’ ~ Woody Allen (1 December 1935-)

‘My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.’~ Billy Connolly (24 November 1942-)

‘Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.’~ W.C Fields (1880-1946)

‘This radio lark’s a wonderful hobby, y’know. I’ve got friends all over the world, all over the world… none in this country, but friends all over the world.’ ~ Tony Hancock (1924-1968)

‘My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.’ ~ Les Dawson (1931-1993)

‘Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.’ ~ Spike Milligan (1918-2002)

‘If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.’ ~ Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

‘Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.’ ~ Gore Vidal (1925-2012)

‘I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’. ~ Bob Newhart ( September 5, 1929-)

‘I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was “Shout For Help”. ‘ ~ Jimmy Carr (15 September 1972)

‘I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.’ ~ Ken Dodd (8 November 1927-)

‘Never trust a man with short legs… his brain’s too near his bottom.’ ~ Noel Coward (1899-1973)

‘The English country gentleman galloping after a fox is the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.’ ~ Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

‘I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.’~ Eric Morecambe (1926-1984)

‘Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.’ ~ Mark Twain (1835-1910)

I remember my staff asking me when I was going to retire. I said when I could no longer hear the sound of laughter. He said: “That never stopped you before”. ~ Bob Hope (1903-2003)

‘The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.’ ~ Joan Rivers (June 8, 1933-)

‘Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.’ ~ Bill Cosby (July 12, 1937-)

‘I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.’ ~ Mae West (1893-1980)

‘He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy!’ (in Monty Python’s Life Of Brian) ~ Terry Jones (1 February 1942-)

‘Politics is just show business for ugly people.’Jay Leno (April 28, 1950-)

‘Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!’ ~ Kenneth Williams (1926-1988)

‘The film industry is like Anne Robinson – always on the lookout for a new face.’ ~ Jack Dee (24 September 1961-)

‘I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.’  ~ Jerry Seinfeld (April 29, 1954-)

 ‘War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.’~ Ambrose Bierce, author of The Devil’s Dictionary (1842-1913) 

‘Trying is the first step towards failure.’ ~ Homer Simpson (1987-)

‘Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into.’ ~ Oliver Hardy (1892-1957) to Stan Laurel (1890-1965)

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