About Mallus


Mallu: A colloquial name given to people from the state of kerala, India.

1. Statement: You always find mallus in herds or groups.
Fact: Mallus are social animals like hyenas and live in packs of two or more members. This can be attributed to their anticipation of revolution and of course no one wants to be left behind in devouring the spoils. As a corollary, hyenas like mallus, are scavengers. They prefer the “killing” to be done by someone else.

2. Statement: Mallus are well-educated.
Fact: When you have masters degree holders driving buses and PhD holders working as peons you dont call them well-educated. They are over-educated.

3. Statement: Mallus are fond of coconuts.
Fact: Another under statement. The best way to stifle a mallu would be to cut his sources of this wonder-fruit. Coconut and its by-products make up approximately 67% of a mallu’s body composition. Make it 93% if you include the kilo-litres of coconut oil applied on his/her hair. Twice everyday we take bath in lukewarm cocount oil and have only coconut chutney for food seven days a week.

4. Statement: Most Mallus are communist and are champions of the downtrodden.
Fact: Irrespective of political parties a mallu belongs to, he is inherently communist in thought, and endeavours to usher in an egalitarian era of proletarian delight (now, what does that mean!). One in which man and man are equally poor and miserable.

5. Statement: Mallus are highly mobile and are everywhere.
Fact: Of course they are. Neil Armstrong claims to have had tea and parippuvada (also called dal vada in certain regions of India) at a “Nair Chaya Kada” (tea shops run by Nairs) when he made mankind’s first Lunar landing. The only inference we can make out of his statement is that mallus are extra terrestrial!

6. Statement: Mallus are very good at languages.
Fact: Ever heard a mallu speak English and you wouldnt doubt the truth behind this statement. Mallu English is a language of its “vvown and is mechh zimbler thaan the Qyoon’s Engleesh”. Mallus are equally adept at speaking any alien tongue which will put the original speakers of the language to shame at their own linguistic ineptitude. We mallus also speak Malayalam.

7. Statement: More than half the Mallu population is in the middle-east.
Fact: The entire oil belt in the middle-east (also called “Gelf” or “Persia”), has a liberal concentration of Mallus, most of them working in “highly skilled” occupations as drivers, fire engineers, mechanics, fitters and crane operators. That they wouldnt have stooped to doing such menial labour back home is a different issue. (Highly likely that years ago, some “awakened”, communist mallu tried to reason out marxist possibilities of a workers’ revolution to his Arab boss and got himself hanged for it). The NORK (Non Resident Keralite) equation is gradually shifting in favour of Western Europe and the US with more mallu nurses finding jobs in those regions. The fact that Kerala survives on income repatriated by the Mallu diaspora still remains undisputed.

8. Statement: Mallu names are the finest examples of brevity and simplicity.
Fact: Mallu names are disyllabic at the most and any two syllables put together give you a mallu name. Lijo, Jijo, Jibu, Biju, Shiju, Shoji, Joji, Titty, Ani, Nibi, Bini, Jikku, Kichu, Lisha are all uniquely mallu. They usually do not carry the additional burden of being meaningful. Compare the ease calling out to a mallu called Jiji Anto and someone else named Bibhutibhushan Bandopadhyaya or Sreenivasa Sastri Nimmagadda.

9. Statement: Mallus have a literary and cultural bend of mind.
Fact: The long hours an average mallu spends languishing in thought about the impending socialist revolution gives him ample time in ideation and literary creation. Besides, the many productive man-days of celebrating regular hartals and lockouts by reading weeklies like Manorama, Mangalam, Fire, Naana, Vellinakshatram etc ensure that the spark of cultural and literary creativity is kept burning. (Anyone who has seen Kinnarathumbikal in which Shakeela occupies most of the screen-space, would vouch for the mallu’s eye for creative movie making).

10. Statement: Mallus are athletic and sporty.
Fact: Who hasnt heard about P T Usha! Given the long coastline that stretches from Kanyakumari to Mangalore, all mallus run on the beach daily for at least 4 hours to keep themselves fit. P T Usha during her heydays used to crisscross the state lengthwise and get back home for an early lunch each day. Mallus are equally adept at other physically demanding sports activities like participating in political processions, striking work, throwing stones at KSRTC buses and watching serials on satellite TV from 2:00pm to 10:00pm everyday.

11. Statement: Mallus are a conceited lot.
Fact: Mallus are just not conceited alone. They are crafty, calculating, conniving and contort facts to attain their ends (Take the case of this post! Dont you think the author has a hidden agenda?). Deceptive double-crossers! And all with a smile on their face.

10 Responses

  1. Whatever you told is 100% right?

  2. And u said you take offence to being called a mallu ???

    You are so proudly one.

  3. Yes, I still stand by what I said…maybe you should notice that I do not edit emails I receive…

  4. Hey guys, i m really Fond of listening Mallu English. Can someone send me some Statements made by them, and with exact pronounciation also. Post a Comment here if you can Send me this Stuff. You can also send me small Audio files of this, if you dont want to type.

  5. This is for Jassi…

    what do u mean really fond of listening Mallu English?

    & also u want extra stuffs & even audio files? Have nuts? want me to open a thread in wikipedia for this?

    true.. Jassi Jaissi Koi Nahin…..

  6. @Pulsar
    A wiki thread is a good idea…go ahead stamp yourself on it…if there is not one already…there is one called Tamil Bashai…which is outrageously funny…you should check it out…

  7. Hi Pradeep…

    I checked the wiki link you mentioned…(its – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madras_Bashai)…

    It was really funny…

    Hope, some day, I find some more time to create such stuffs…

    Anyway, thanks for referring…

  8. The funniest ever on mallus!!!…lol!!!verrry fenny!!

    thanks!

    • hw cute

  9. English words murdered by Keralites (Malayalees) and other Indians:

    kangaroo (the worst offended word, Malayalees/Indians pronounce as “kanGAROO” instead of “KANgroo”)

    mixed, fixed (pronounced as ‘miksed’, ‘fiksed’ instead of ‘miksd’, ‘fiksd’)

    bear, pear, wear (pronounced as ‘biyar’, ‘piyar’, ‘wiyer’ instead of ‘beye’, ‘peye’, ‘weye’)

    beer (pronounced as “biiir” instead of “biye”)

    auto (pronounced as “aaato” instead of “otto”)

    Queen (prounounced as “kyuun” instead of “kween”)

    form (pronounced as ‘farum’ instead of “fom”)

    biennale (pronounced as “binale” instead of “bienale”)

    place names – Ohio, Seattle, Utah (pronounced as “ohiyo, seetl, ootha” instead of “ohayo, siyatl, yuta”)

    Tortoise (pronounced as ‘tortois’ instead of “totis” )

    turtle (pronounced as ‘turrrtil’ instead of “tutl” )

    Mascot Hotel (pronounced as “muskut HOtel” instead of “MAScot hoTEL”)

    heart (pronounced as ‘hurrt’ instead of “haat”)

    bass (pronounced as ‘baas’ instead of “beis”)

    twitter (pronounced as “tyooter” instead of “twiter”)

    birthday (pronounced as “birthaday” instead of “buthdei”)

    garage (pronounced as “garej” instead of “gaRAZH/gaRAJ”)

    chassis (pronounced as “chasis” instead of “shasi”)

    divorce (pronounced as “daiverse” instead of “divors”)

    February (pronounced as “fibruari” instead of “februari”)

    one (pronounced as “onn” instead of “wun”)

    pizza (pronounced as “pisa” instead of “pitza”)

    our (pronounced as “avar” instead of “aue”)

    flour (pronounced as “flower” instead of “flaue”)

    alarm (prounced as “alarum” instead of “alaam”)

    volume (books) (pronounced as “vaalyoom’ instead of “volyum”)

    Loved it. Maybe you could post a YouTube video of the above – P

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