My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf…It’s a game,she said, where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women….

A golf ball directly before the hole

Image via Wikipedia

GOLF !!!
To All Those Wishing to Learn GOLF !!!

So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.
He said, “Sure, you’ve got balls don’t you?”
“Yes, but on cold mornings they are hard to find.”
“Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow and we will tee off.”
“What’s tee off?”
“It’s a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.”
“Not for me,” I said. “You can tee off in front of the clubhouse, but I’ll tee off behind the barn somewhere.”
“No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger.”
“Yeah, I’ve got one of those.”
“Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.”
“You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around.”
“You do, you’re standing up when you put your ball on the tee.”
Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.
He said, “You’ve got a bag haven’t you?”
“Sure.”
“Your balls are in it, aren’t they?”
“Of course,” I told him.
“Well, can’t you open your bag and take one out?”
“I suppose I could, but I’ll be damned if I am going to.”
“Don’t you have a zipper on your bag?”
“No, I am the old-fashioned type.”
“Do you know how to hold your club?”
Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so.
He said, “You take your club in both hands…”
I knew right then he didn’t know what he was talking about.
Then he said, “Swing it over your shoulder…”
That’s not me at all. That’s my brother he’s talking about.
He asked, “How do you hold your club?”
Before I thought about it, I said, “With two fingers.”
He said that wasn’t right.
He got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me.
Well, he couldn’t catch me there. I didn’t spend four years in the Navy for nothing.
He said, “You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars…”
I could well imagine that.
“… and when you’re on the green . . .”
“What’s the green?”
“That’s where the hole is.”
“Sure you’re not colour blind?”
“Then you take your putter in your hands…”
“What’s a putter?”
“That’s the smallest club made.”
“That’s what I got, a putter.”
“And with it, you put your ball into the hole.”
I corrected him, “You mean the putter.”
“No, the ball. The hole isn’t big enough for the ball and putter too.”
Well, I’ve seen some big enough for a horse and wagon.
“Then,” he said, “after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17.”
Well, he certainly wasn’t talking about me. After two holes I’m shot to hell.
“You mean you can’t make 18 holes in one day?”
“Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole!
“Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?”
“The flag will go up!”
…Well, golfing is not for me! =


Oh! Yeah. That’s Kinda Fondue Man, Thanks.

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

This is pretty neat.

It takes less than a minute . Work this out as you read .

1. First, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)


2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)


3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 — I’ll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1760 …If you haven’t, add 1759.

6… Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE!

NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE!

Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me, Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

Randier than a sailor who’s been six months at sea, Never let a cricketer’s hand an inch above your knee.

First let’s take the paceman, pure speed from first to last! My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast.

.

Then there’s the medium pacer, his balls swing either way; He’s really most persistent and can keep it up all day!
.
And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap.If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap!
.
Then there’s the wily ‘slowy’, pure cunning is his strength; He’ll tempt you, then he’ll trap you with his very subtle length.

So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree. Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease! He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.

The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes. When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes.

And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two; When he arrives at the crease then only six will do.

Then there’s the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he’s about; And if you let him settle in, it’s hard to get him out!

We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock, He doesn’t mind if he’s last man in, as long as he gets a knock.

So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me: Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

And watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he’s full of flair and dash; And if you raise your heel, he’ll whip them off in a flash.

If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score; Or he’ll have you in positions that you never knew before!

The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke, He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke.

Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup; You’ll quickly find you’ve had it, when he puts his finger up!

So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me: !!!!NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE!

Shoaib Sans Sania. {Via}


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“Let an earthquake crumble it, let the fires rage, let it burn to f***ing ash and then let the waters rise and submerge this whole rat-infested place.” Monty Brogan in 25th Hour.

Myrdalsjokull and Eyjafjallajokull sound like Icelandic swear words!

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Terence Blanchard – Fu montage

I want Tiger back out on Tour so we can renew our rivalry. It’s not as fulfilling to cheat on my wife if he’s not out there doing it, too.

Tiger Woods Paper Mosaic

1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home..

2. It’s important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.

3. It’s important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.

4. It’s important to have a woman who has a job.

5. It’s important to have a woman who likes you.

6. It’s important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.

7. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

8. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn’t lie to you.

9. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed.

And…

10. It’s very, very important that these nine women do not know each  other.

Sincerely,
Tiger Woods

title via : fake quotes -- Phil Mickelson

I laughed and then I laughed somemore before I cried.

What you don’t know is you are the luckiest man…

Try to keep my faith and keep my mind
Hate to lose either one when the whip cracks behind
And I can’t help but mourning just a little each night
People say everything is gonna be alright
They say I’m the luckiest man
Yeah they say,

Oh, I just can’t wait to be king!

Everybody look left
Everybody look right
Everywhere you look I’m
Standing in the spotlight!

(Glorify)

:)

Every time I see this pic, I end up wishing I had a time machine…

{Via}

My Sunday feeling is coming on over me.

I see even with my eyes closed. It still seems for the best. And you are far. Far, far a-way.

The circle, is “the most modest form, but asserts itself unconditionally.” It is “simultaneously stable and unstable,” “loud and soft,” “a single tension that carries countless tensions within it.” ~ vasily kandinsky.
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