Top Ten Complaints From Dogs

Blaming your farts on me… not funny… not funny at all!

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Yelling at me for barking… I’M A DAMN DOG!

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Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

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Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

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Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.

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The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain!

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Taking me to the vet for ‘the big snip’, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

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Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

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Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven’t you noticed the fur?

How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You’re just jealous.

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Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who’s boss here!
You don’t see me picking up your poop do you?

By George! You are a big one.

The first time we saw George, our beloved Great Dane, he was no more than a tiny, cowering ball of fuzzy fur.

As my wife Christie opened the door of the crate he’d travelled in, he teetered to a standing position and looked out at us, moving his head slowly from side to side, taking in the wonder of it all.

Finally, as if weighing us up and deciding we were acceptable, he tentatively pushed his little nose forward and gave Christie her first lick. {Read on}

{Also read about Gibson}

Sore back tomorrow?

It’s OK, it’s a well-known fact that dogs are atheist. Cats on the other hand…

Great Dane

Image via Wikipedia

1 All dogs can be traced back 40 million years ago to a weasel-like animal called the Miacis which dwelled in trees and dens. The Miacis later evolved into the Tomarctus, a direct forbear of the genus Canis, which includes the wolf and jackal as well as the dog.

2 Ancient Egyptians revered their dogs. When a pet dog would die, the owners shaved off their eyebrows, smeared mud in their hair, and mourned aloud for days.

3 Small quantities of grapes and raisins can cause renal failure in dogs. Chocolate, macadamia nuts, cooked onions, or anything with caffeine can also be harmful.

4 Apple and pear seeds contain arsenic, which may be deadly to dogs.

5 Rock star Ozzy Osborne saved his wife Sharon’s Pomeranian from a coyote by tackling and wresting the coyote until it released the dog.

6 Dogs have sweat glands in between their their paws Dogs have sweat glands in between their paws.

7 In 2003, Dr. Roger Mugford invented the “wagometer,” a device that claims to interpret a dog’s exact mood by measuring the wag of its tail.

8 Dogs have three eyelids. The third lid, called a nictitating membrane or “haw,” keeps the eye lubricated and protected.

9 A dog’s shoulder blades are unattached to the rest of the skeleton to allow greater flexibility for running.

10 Puppies are sometimes rejected by their mother if they are born by cesarean and cleaned up before being given back to her.

11 The phrase “raining cats and dogs” originated in seventeenth-century England. During heavy rainstorms, many homeless animals would drown and float down the streets, giving the appearance that it had actually rained cats and dogs.

12 During the Middle Ages, Great Danes and Mastiffs were sometimes suited with armor and spiked collars to enter a battle or to defend supply caravans.

13 Pekingese and Japanese Chins were so important in the ancient Far East that they had their own servants and were carried around trade routes as gifts for kings and emperors. Pekingese were even worshipped in the temples of China for centuries.

14 The shape of a dog’s face can help predict how long a dog will live The shape of a dog’s face suggests how long it will live. Dogs with sharp, pointed faces that look more like wolves typically live longer. Dogs with very flat faces, such as bulldogs, often have shorter lives.

15 After the fall of Rome, human survival often became more important than breeding and training dogs. Legends of werewolves emerged during this time as abandoned dogs traveling in packs commonly roamed streets and terrified villagers. {Read on}

“He’s what we in the dog breeding biz call a lucky fucker.”

“And he’s what we in the dog breeding biz call a lazy fucker”.


I am the cat who walks alone and all things are the same to me.

How to Give a Cat a Pill
1.  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.
6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw
9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away.  Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed.
Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13.  Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14.  Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15.  Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1.  Wrap it in bacon.
2.  Toss it in the air.

Do I see the welcome in your smile…

Apparently I don’t always fully close my eyes when I sleep. My wife has woken up to find me staring straight at her while fast asleep. Bloody creeps her out. I tell her I’m a wizard.

and then I woke up once…and saw her looking at me. Almost creeped me out!

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