My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f**k’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero? ~ Mitch Hedberg


If you're really hungry

Strategic Grill Locations

  • I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut, man, I’ll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut… end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can’t imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: “Don’t even act like I didn’t get that doughnut! I got the doc-u-men-tation right here… oh, wait it’s at home… in the file… under ‘D’… for doughnut.”
  • A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
  • You know they call corn-on-the-cob “corn-on-the-cob” right? But that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that “corn.” They should call every other version “corn-off-the-cob.” It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm “Mitch.” But then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together!”
  • I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
  • I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
  • I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that’s real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say “Sweet.” And then people would say, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’d say, “Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.”
  • My roommate said to me, ‘I’m gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?’ It’s like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
  • My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah”.
  • A guy told me he liked cherries…but… I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato…before I realized he likes cherries just…all right, that joke is ridiculous. That’s like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don’t know what I was trying to pull off there.
  • Chocolate makes me happy, I gotta admit…
  • Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ‘em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
  • Whenever I go to shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, “I’m gonna go shave, too.”
  • On a stop light green means go, red means stop and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the fuck did you get that banana at?’
  • I never joined the army because “at ease” never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I’m eased bro, cause I’m not in the military.
  • My friend said to me, “I think the weather’s trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.” Then I thought, “Man, I should’ve just said, ‘Yeah.'”
  • I dressed up for the CD.
  • I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls… but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, “Fuck it, cut em up!”
  • Popsicles are for the summertime…
  • When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. “Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter.” But I like crackers man, that’s why I bought it, ’cause I like crackers! I don’t see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn’t buy them because they’re little edible plates! You’ve got no faith in the product itself.
  • This is what my friend said to me; he said, “Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.” It’s like,”Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.”
  • I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
  • I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, “I hear music”, as if there is any other way you can take it in. You’re not special, that’s how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.
  • I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
  • I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he’s fuzzy, let’s get out of here.
  • This shirt is “dry-clean only”…which means it’s dirty.
  • My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. “Come on four billion!… Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six… at least. Snake eyes!” I just said “snake eyes.” That’s a gambling term. Its also an animal term too.
  • One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,”Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera… what’s it look like? “
  • I play sports…no I don’t, what the fuck?
  • Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know because, what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. “Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick something up!”
  • I’ve always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.
  • If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
  • I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, “Fuck that, I’ll just make a copy.”
  • My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and a bunch of koala bears scatter. I’m like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.
  • I like vending machines ’cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it… so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
  • So I wish I could play little league now, I’d kick some fuckin’ ass.
  • If I was a locksmith I’d be fuckin’ pimpin’ that shit out. “Say, what’s goin’ on, man? Tell you what. I’ll trade you a free key duplication(laughs).” That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good ’cause there’s no ending.
  • I drank some boiling water ’cause I wanted to whistle.
  • I was at the airport a while back and some guy said, “Hey man, I saw you on TV last night.” But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said, “Dude! I saw you at the airport…about a minute ago… and you were good.”

“Caution Escalator is out of service Stairs” {Read on – Wikiquote} Mitch Hedberg

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